[ blemished sacrifices ]

This morning I was reading in Malachi, and was caught in 1:6-8.  It’s a simple concept, but paralyzing, nevertheless.

The passage speaks of how the people owe God his honor as a Father, yet they show contempt for His name.  They are then confused as to how they’ve done so, and remind Him of all the sacrificing they’ve done.  God then rebukes the people for giving him their blind, wounded, crippled, and diseased cattle as a sacrifice.  It then loses all its honor; in fact, it’s a downright insult.

 The best association I can make, particularly in the holiday season is re-gifting.  You know, the pig-shaped can opener you received last year that you decide to wrap back up and give to someone else this year?  Yeah.  That’s the idea. 

But that’s what I do to God so often.  I’ll say that I’m giving Him my all and giving Him a devotion time each day as my offering.  But if I’m distracted, leave the TV on and happen to turn and look at what’s going on with America’s Next Top Model or go grab a drink in the middle….then my offering is tainted.  It is no longer a pure, sacred gift to the One who is so deserving.  If I go serve at a function at the church, yet I’m whining or grumbling on the way, it’s tainted.

So, we lose the whole meaning of giving a gift.  We say “Oh, it’s the thought that counts.”  But that’s just the thing; there was no thought [or more importantly, heart] involved.  The point of giving a gift is to SACRIFICE something of yourself…be it money, manpower, time, energy, etc….that went into that gift.  So, the pig canopener is only a self-help that clears an extra two inches in your own drawer…ergo it’s just an insult.  Not a gift.  Man, I sure do pray He’ll make me better at giving him the best sacrifices I have…

…and not the one-eyed cow with acne…

[ the one you've gotta read ]

Folks, I don’t have time to write too much, but I just wanted to say hey.  It’s the weekend.  YAY!  I’ve been wearing my retainer a lot [yeah, the one i got in 7th grade when my braces came off]…because i stopped wearing it for about a year and my teeth have shifted.   I just want straight teeth back for the wedding!  And white ones, for that matter, but that may take more time [and many crest whitestrips....with all the coffee I drink].   So in my oh-so-suave ultra appeal, I am making the fashion statement of the century with plastic and metal splattered all across my face.  You know you like it.

 So, to my story.  Yes, there’s always a story.  I was taking blitzen out the other morning, and I saw what I thought was a note slid under the wiper blade of my car.  I got so excited because I haven’t had that happen to me in a long, long time!!!  In my giddy sprint to the car, it soon became evident that this “note” was just a deep red and orange autumn leaf, freshly fallen in the right spot.   “Dangit” was my response.  So, Blitzen and I walk away and as I shiver and bounce around trying to stay warm [while I shout encouragement for my dog to pick up the pace with his important business]…I got to thinking. 

There was a note left on my car.  And it wasn’t just a note.  It was a love note.  An uber-ridiculously-mind-blowing and brilliantly mastered love note.  From my wooer.  My ultimate wooer; the one who never stops pursuing me, never stops romancing me, and loves me beyond anything I can compare.  He knows how much I love fall…seeing the colors change, the holidays, the smell of all my favorite seasonal treats, etc…and He sent me a reminder via a little notecard to say “Don’t forget that I’m giving you all of this because I love you; I could give you a lifeless, colorless, and miserable place to live….but instead I’ve chosen to show you my majesty by giving you fall [and all the other little things in life you take for granted].”

Wow.  So often when things aren’t exactly my way, I think this is a miserable place to live anyhow.  But just think of how much worse it could be.  I mean, we live Canaan.  The promised land.  The land flowing with milk and honey and high-speed internet access.  All of our needs are met, and most luxuries as well…luxuries that others in the world couldn’t even imagine.  Yeah, this world’s got it’s downfalls; if it didn’t, it’d be called heaven–but as far as how it could be, He gave it to us pretty darn good.  I’m thankful for that. 

And I’m thankful for my love note.

Think through your day today and ask yourself where your love note was sitting.  Was it an email with a job offer in it that you’ve been praying for?  Was it in passing a dog in the park who brightened your day with a slobbery kiss on your hand?  Or was it maybe written on a tissue that your best friend gave you in your time of tears and heartache?  Let me know–I want to hear about it.

[ through glass ]

I’m back, folks. 

Where was I?  This little place called the misery of the workplace.   Actually, in comparison, this job wasn’t half bad.  The only problems being:  1. I had no time left for my friends, and 2. I wasn’t making any money.  Yep, I was 100% commission.  Now, that can actually be very lucrative, but I came into the game in a bad time of the year and a 13-year low in the housing/furniture economy loop.  It also takes a couple years to build up a clientele base.  So, even those who had been in the furniture industry their whole lives aren’t making much money at this point.

I’m already so much happier.  I can start thinking about my friends again, my family, and the wedding.  I hadn’t gotten a chance to do any planning, and things were put on hold.  At times, I find myself falling into the old traps I used to love.  With the Celiac Disease and not having much time to eat, I’ve found myself losing a lot of weight again.  Now, though that excites me [and my wedding dress vendor] greatly, I know what dangers it poses;  I fall into danger of loving it too much and becoming ensnared again.  Not gonna lie, that actually sounds so appealing to me.

 So, I’d love to see/talk to you soon…message me because I’ll be around now!

[ patience personified ]

Good Morning.  I’m sitting here sipping my coffee and enjoying the posts of my siblings. 

God has taught me a lot over the past couple weeks.  Perhaps more about myself in two weeks than I’ve learned in the past year total.   I knew I wasn’t a very patient person, and I have been conscienciously working on it for a long time, but the areas that filters into weren’t aware to me until I was brutally held accountable. 

Don’t you love accountability?

I know I do.  Ok, well, not always–cause it DOES make us look at the ugly things we don’t want to see in ourselves.  But the end product is glorious.  I have, on a scale of 1-10, moved about 10 spots from where I was, say, last month.  God, close friends, and the earthly love of my life….were patient with me and loved me enough to show me where I was falling short.  Thank Heaven for those people. 

I was also upset because I really wanted to go on a mission trip that would have really been in an area that’s a passion of mine with people I truly have a heart for.  I felt I wasn’t ‘needed’ or ‘wanted’ there, and therefore wasn’t invited/welcome to come [upon notification of it and then my inquiry].  Then, yet again, God snapped me in the head to remind me that He had other things in mind for me during this time, and that He simply didn’t plan for me to be on that particular trip.  And He was right.  Just in the past week, I have received 4….count them, FOUR….job offers.   And today, I am doing my third and final interview with the place I like best.  Your prayers are welcome and appreciated!  It seems God’s waiting had a purpose.  I really hope this is somewhere I’ll enjoy, and it certainly seems it will. 

I am beyond thankful for the place I’m at in my life right now.  I am also truly thankful for those select friends who really went on a limb for me, loved me, challenged me, and were there ….not condemning….but ready to do anything in the world for me.  Last, but certainly not least, I am thankful for the loving man God placed in my life, that I have the honor of calling my ‘fiance’.  Thank you for being the man after His heart that I’ve always prayed for, and for being patient with my shortcomings…loving me the best way anyone can.  You are proof that God loves me.

 [ADDENDUM:  I got the job and passed with flying colors!  I will be the new sales and design rep. at Furnitureland South, the world's largest home furnishings store!  They said that my scores on their test were the highest in their history [they currently have over 1000 employees], and that they’ve never seen anyone perform as well as I did in an interview.  It was SO ENCOURAGING!!!  Yay!!!  Thanks for the prayers!]

[ it is well ]

I was greatly spoken to by an old hymn this week.  Sunday, at church, accompanied by the story of a dying man, I found myself near tears upon the words of “It Is Well.”  Please take a second to scan the lyrics:

“When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
Even so, it is well with my soul

CHORUS:
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound
And the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul

Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
Even so, it is well with my soul”

When I analyzed each piece of it [even though I've sung it a billion times since I was born] , God spoke to me in so many ways.  Though it’s phrased like my King James, the words “when sorrows like sea billows roll…” were something we can all attest to.   There are times when it’s not just like rain pounding on our head, it’s like giant waves crashing down on us, seeking to drown.  It’s reminding me that in peace or in torment, I am to say “even so, it is well with my soul.”  Now, the tough part is….is that true?  I can say it all day long, and have everyone be proud of me…and la la la…on it goes.  But is it TRULY well with my soul?  Am I truly free of all chains, and have I truly given over ALL suffering in exchange for an almighty peace?

The other bit that spoke wonders to my heart–actually the part that nearly made me cry–was “..Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight…”  and it goes on to describe the details of seeing heaven and prophesy happening before my very eyes.  In combination with the notes and strength of the music, those words could bring me to my knees.  Philippians 2:9-11 speak the famous words that “at the name of Jesus, every knee will bow [in heaven and on earth and under the earth]…” which is exactly how I feel at this song.  It’s not even my choice.  My legs buckle in awe and brokenness at something so magnificent as JUST the THOUGHT of it all.  I can not begin to imagine how many millions of times moreso when it actually occurs.  People wonder if they’ll get to see Revelations fulfilled or if it won’t happen in their lifetime.  According to this, we will ALL see it….whether in heaven, or earth, or those souls that chose to renouce Jesus and are living in the lake of fire. 

I don’t know about you, but I sure hope I get a good seat.

[ this -weak- ]

This week has gone by in a blur.  It’s been frustrating, exciting, discouraging, encouraging, tiring, productive, and unyielding.  And completely contradictory [if you can't tell].

My health hasn’t gotten any better…if anything, I’m on a steady downward slope.  But I’m encouraged to know it’s all part of a plan.  I’ll be at Baptist Hospital with a specialist next month, so let’s pray they figure out what’s wrong with me!  Until then, I’m just void of energy.  I’m also intently searching for a job.  I had two interviews Friday; though both seemed to have gone really well, I’ve learned to not get my hopes up.  It’s been a real struggle trying to find a job!  Thankfully, Daniel’s been there to help me in my search. 

Then there are all the wedding hassles.  I mean ‘joys’!   No, it really IS exciting getting things moving toward a wedding, but there are always the stressors of money, budgeting guest numbers, time consumption, irritable vendors, etc.  I already spend 50 hrs a week doing just the wedding stuff.  Who knows how I’ll be surviving once I DO get a job!   That’s an update on it all…it may not seem like much, but my fingers can hardly pump out these letters on the keyboard.  I know many of you are exhausted from your surroundings [new babies!  new jobs!  new houses! etc...], so keep me posted on how things are going and how best I may specifically pray for you.   Thanks!!

Oh, and according to the link Jbunch posted, I am 8420 days old, 202,097 hours old, or 727,552,529 seconds old.  Cool.

[ an engaging conversation ]

Forgive me!!!!

 It has been a very long time since I wrote….life has been a whir of colors lately!

From my birthday, to looking for a job, to getting engaged, to going to all my family and friends for announcing it, to making appointments to look at venues, to booking other things, to doing my own business….whew.  i’m exhausted!  God’s blessings are raining on me in cats and dogs!  Thank you all for being my friends and supporting me in good times and bad!  I love you all!

[ a forceful faith? ]

In reading Philemon this morning, I was caught in verses 8-9, where Paul says “Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love.”  

This moved me that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we not only have the responsibility to hold one another accountable [as we know], but we actually have the authority to command one another in Him.  Paul chooses not to do so.  Though this boy’s [Onesimus's] life was on the line, Paul simply was trusting his brother in Christ[Philemon] to do what was right.  Ordering him to take care of Onesimus would have been the safe bet, but Paul deemed it worthy to trust, with no worries. 

Too often I find myself not being able to just trust someone at their word.  I become Thomas, and I have to see and touch the evidence that I won’t be let down.  Sure, I can blame it on all the times people had let me down in the past, but the mistakes of others shouldn’t interfere with the trust I have in my siblings.  Paul didn’t let that happen.  In fact, he was writing from prison, and would have more reason than any of us to distrust or resent others.  Rather, his faith didn’t change, and his trust in people didn’t falter.  

Another lesson in this story is the fact that Paul chooses NOT to order his siblings around with the authority of God.  As Christians, sometimes we think we’re doing what’s best for one another or helping someone out, when in reality, we’re just bossing one another around ‘in Jesus’s name.’  If you’ve ever seen the movie Shakespeare In Love, there’s a scene toward the end with Judy Dench [M in the James Bond movies] playing the Queen of England.  She’s hidden in the crowd at the playhouse, watching as a nobleman prances onto the stage, making demands and ordering people around “in the name of her royal highness, the queen.”  She then stands and says “Mr. [whomever], have a care with my name or you’ll wear it out.”  Isn’t that what we do to God?  We say that our lives are His, and that we do all things in His name…but think of all the other undesirable things people catch us doing, still under the heading of our King’s servant.  When we turn up our noses at the things others do, thinking that we’re helping someone by ordering what [we think] God would have them do.   What a shame, the times we do that instead of trusting them to listen to quiet rebuke, in love, and taking it upon themselves [in cooperation with the Holy Spirit] to do the right thing.  Sometimes doing things “in Jesus’s name” isn’t a great thing…..especially if we’re doing things He certainly wouldn’t want his sacred label attached to.  I keep reminding myself to think about that…in particular, when I’m doing something I know is wrong.   You’re whole life is now “In Jesus Name.”  Don’t attach a dingy appeal to a spotless name.

[ patio logo :: revised :: ]

I added some logos of different colors, per hal and mladen’s request.  Take a look at the same site [http://www.btkdesign.com/patioresize.html].  You may have to hit ‘refresh’ to see the new image.  Let me know what you think!

[ sustenance ]

I was laying out by the pool today, chatting about hamburgers, when suddenly, I asked myself some obvious but senseless questions.   Why do we call it a hamburger?  It isn’t made from ham [pork], rather from beef.  Why do we call it a hot dog when it isn’t made from dog at all [thank goodness!].  Though, I’m sure if I look it up in Wikipedia, I’ll find the technical answers, it just made me ponder for a moment.

 Ok, so that was just an introduction to the week I’ve had.  There’s good news and bad news.  The good news:  The job I was SO praying for, interviewed with, and discovered they weren’t hiring until fall…..emailed me monday saying someone in the design department resigned the same day i interviewed, therefore opening up a slot.  They want to schedule a trial week for me to come in and work!  Yay!   The other good news is that I finished painting daniel’s kitchen [it used to be all pink--poor guy], and designing some other rooms in his house.  You can take a look at the [almost] finished product here: http://photos.yahoo.com/lauren.watts and click on the proper folder.  It looks GREAT, if I do say so myself!  That picture on the wall is actually a blown-up image of his favorite album cover, photoshopped, and hand crafted framing for his wall. 

Now for the bad news.  For those not aware, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease about 2 or 3 months ago.   In that time, I have cut out all the gluten in my diet, restricting myself to the few things that are left thereafter [and, believe me, there aren't many].  Unfortunately, it has been really tough, really depressing, really discouraging, and really exhausting.  I’ve had to give up all my favorite foods, give up eating with my friends, and mostly giving up eating out [you guys probably know the story--if not, i encourage you to read my blog about it on myspace or facebook].  Worst of all is that people give you a hard time about it, and are anything but helpful.  On the day I was diagnosed, I asked the pharmacy if my daily thyroid meds were gluten-free and they assured me they were.  It took me until last week to find out that all this time one of the main ingredients in it is derived from wheat.  You know those 1-800 numbers you get off the back of food and products?  They aren’t helpful, they’re rude, and they don’t even know what’s in their own products.   I even had one lady say, “Well, if you have a disease, you just shouldn’t buy our product.”  instead of trying to find out the ingredients for me.  It’s usually no different at restaurants.  Even if they DO claim their food is gluten free [if they are even educated as to the extent of products that contain gluten or even know what gluten IS], you never know if they’re cooking your food on a grill that has just cooked something else and wasn’t cleaned.   Basically, if I can’t read the ingredients of something myself, or watch it being cooked, it usually can’t be trusted. 

Anyway….. after all of that, I still feel just as bad [maybe even worse] than I did when I was diagnosed.  Nothing has gotten better.  Poor Daniel is such a sweet guy and SO supportive of me, but I know it’s tough for him, too, when we can only eat out at a few places [unless we go somewhere else and he has to eat alone]….and then when I have to cut short our dates because I’m always either sick on my stomache or too tired to even walk or keep my eyes open.  I know I’ve said it a thousand times, but thank you, Daniel, for being the amazing never-failing support that you are.

I went to the doctor again this week, and after countless more blood tests, they found that the celiac antibodies were still stongly present in my body.  They’re sending me to a specialist at Baptist Hospital in july, so I pray we figure this thing out.   In the meantime, I’ve also cut out most of the large-quantity dairy in my diet, and most of the citric acid in my diet [if you thought gluten was in everything, you should know about this stuff---it's on ALL your labels...food, soda, canned goods, shampoos, toothpaste, etc...].  So what’s left for me to eat, doctor?  Not a whole lot.   In fact, I’ve spent many nights crying because I’m so discouraged by all this, I am sick as a dog, and I’m hungry.  I’m essentially having to starve myself to figure out what’s wrong.  This isn’t fun, and I’d really appreciate your prayers.  The lbs are dropping fast, along with my high spirits.  Please pray for my health.  I love you guys, and you are such a great support team! I know God has a plan for all of this!